God has plans. .

This last week has definitely been a test of strength.  About a month ago I took a test and was surprised to find out we were expecting! We were very shocked but extremely excited.  Why not? Our dreams are to have a big family.  The timing is soon, and I had big nerves about being pregnant again so soon. The risks if complications were a little tough to handle. However, talking with my new Doctor calmed me down completely and I finally could start enjoying the idea of another bundle of joy in full force.

On Friday, I started having extremely light spotting.  Having had minor spotting with all the children, I decided not to fret and wait things out. Come Monday, we were having a more consistent spot. I decided it was time to call. Having had a miscarriage before, I was starting to panic a little. What was to come, I was not expecting at all.

They couldn't find the source of bleeding, however, our little bundle hadn't grown in two weeks and they couldn't detect a heartbeat. I was in shock.  I know the statistics, there was nothing we could've done. But having already started to imagine my life with my newest love, my strength was starting to crumble. The doctor I saw, not my primary, made me feel like an idiot. Even though I reminded him more then once that this wasn't my first, and that I wanted to take a natural route, he persisted to force me into one of the "quick" elimination routes. Thankfully I remained strong. Why would forcing the "tissue" he called my baby make this any easier? This was the life we created, we wanted. I have faith in my body. I can't stop thinking about the image on the screen. The methodical tone of the US tech. How routine it must be to tell people they are staring at their lifeless child who they can't ever hold and tell that everything will be ok. Who they can't kiss goodbye. I am struggling with the thought of how unfair it really is.

The past few days have been a blur. Thankfully, the kids have helped take my mind of things.  And Randy has been so wonderful, even though I know he's hurting too. How can I make this better? I can't.  We sat Aidan down to tell him, since he's the oldest and the only one who really knew. We simplified things a bit and he had a few questions. Then off he went to play. I started sewing to distract myself, and for the most part its really helped. But, every twinge, every spot, all reminders of the child I still carry. What is this stage? Am I still "pregnant"? I want so badly to go back and this to all have not happened.  But I know in my heart that this is God's plan. He is true and just and I know there was a reason for this.  It was after my first loss that I walked away from him. I stopped going to church completely. Maybe this is a sign for me to get back to him. I do need Him in my life. 

Each day I feel myself getting stronger. As quickly as we found out, you were gone. We loved you, we will never forget.  You are with God now, I know you are. My unborn child, you and your brother or sister please keep watch over us, you are our Angels.